March 5, 2013
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The introvert Prime Directive
There is an ugly rumor floating around about introverts. It’s one we cannot escape from, at least not at this day and time, because he who yells loudest gets heard. We are believed to be quiet, shy, meek, boring, and all the things we may appear to be to the roaring crowds out there. While we may sigh in frustration at this stereotype, we also gleam inwardly because we know the truth. In introverts there is a deep, rich pool of understanding and warmth. We truly enjoy life especially in it’s blessed stillness. We don’t shout about it. We don’t proclaim it from the mountaintops. We just live it.
I was really excited to go to a new coffee shop this morning that I’ve been eyeing for years. (Yes, years. I’m slow. It takes me a while to change pace and try somewhere new). I have been by a few times in the last few days, and finally felt peace about going in for my morning Bible reading/journal/introspection session. All the times I’ve been by there has been a peaceful, calm atmosphere and lots of positive energy in the place. So I went in today and ordered some oatmeal and coffee, set down my huge ESV Bible and other books on a small table for one. And I was happy. It was short-lived.Enter large Hispanic family. Their ethnicity matters for no other reason than the cultural, and for the fact that they were speaking Spanish (rather loudly, I might add.) Mexico, so I gather is like the USA in that it favors and expects extroversion. Families are loud. Conversation is abundant. Life is celebrated. Were they go, they take the party with them. That culture blends well with American culture for the most part.So I became the only one in the room not willing to party. I said a prayer, tried to compose my thoughts and concentration, and stared at the same page for about 5 minutes. But it just didn’t work. Too loud, too much, and involuntarily processing words I hadn’t thought of since high school Spanish class. I finished my food and sadly left for my car to finish my coffee at home in peace and quiet. What went wrong, here? Was I indignant and full of a bad attitude? No, neither. I simply was pushed out of my element and preferred to ruminate elsewhere.Introverts aren’t what people expect. We are quite the opposite. Where the culture around us expects forte, we are piano. They want brazen, are are muted. They love flashy neon, and we are pastel. Does this mean we are mild, weak, milquetoast? A thousand times, NO. I am one of the most opinionated people you will meet. I am told that I’m like a warrior-princess, that I will stand up for my beliefs even when people want to burn me at the stake. I start fires and don’t put them out. I state things in no uncertain terms. But I like my quiet. Weird, huh?Introverts see the world in a certain light. We believe that the utmost respect you can give another individual is to let him have space. In that space he is most free…free to create, dream, write, imagine, believe, idealize, breathe…to be himself. When we don’t talk or yell or blare music, we are really showing a respect for that which we hold sacred. That is why we don’t fill empty space with words. That is why we love a quiet coffee shop.I love to talk; don’t get me wrong! I can talk your ear off if you get me started about politics, theology, coffee, period costuming, pro-life issues, sewing, American history, or how much I love my cat Zorro. But I won’t talk just to talk. I talk to find meaning, to connect, to explore the richness of the world. I talk because I’ve already mulled over these things in my head. I talk because I have something to say. So when I don’t talk, it’s not because I’m boring or shy. It’s because I genuinely don’t want to waste time, space, or breath filling a beautiful silence with my idle words. An extrovert might feel that if nothing is being said, that nothing is going on. Quite the opposite. There is a marathon run in my head for all of my waking hours. So much goes on, that the silence is welcome. That is why I tire easily of large groups of people. Conversations I don’t want to be a part of abound, and it tires me to take it all in. (Studies have shown that introverts actually have more constant brain activity than extroverts. We are always on. No wonder extraneous stuff tires us!)I think introverts and extroverts can learn a lot from each other about mutual respect and understanding. Just because someone is loud doesn’t mean he’s shallow. And just because someone is quiet doesn’t mean he’s deep. There is middle ground, and we must share a world. Think twice before blaring your stereo in a quiet park. And be nice to someone who strikes up an unwelcome conversation while your headphones are in. There is so much beauty in the world to be shared, and we can’t learn it all from our side of the fence. Take a moment and look at those around you. What do they need? Share a little, nurture yourself, and live with your fellow man.
Comments (20)
Well said. I retweeted this. I’m an introvert too, and I understand just how you feel.Though I consider myself used to the noise here in NYC (where any quiet library, bookstore, or park will most likely suddenly get loud at some point) sometimes I just long for some peace &quiet and count myself lucky when I get it.
I’m an introvert too. So much of what you said rings true. And yes, there has to be a middle ground. But which group will be willing to budge first? Who among the extroverts will make the attempt to understand the life of the inrovert and vice versa?
My husband and I have recently come up with a theory on introverts/extroverts. Your post has sparked a desire for your opinion on it.
Are you familiar with the four basic personality types? If not, then you can just ignore the parts mentioning it and just read everything else.
I think that many people that are often perceived as being introverts are really just extroverts that have been socially handicapped. Contrariwise, many people perceived as being extroverts are really introverts that pushing themselves in unhealthy ways. What we have theorized to be the difference is energy gain/loss. Michael is almost entirely melancholy, with some choleric, which would normally make him naturally introverted. BUT when he’s emotionally drained and needs to recharge, what does he do? He goes see his friends! He draws energy from that social activity; it charges him, sparks him, cools his jets, blows off steam, and clears his head. Me? That wears me out. I am sanguine-phlegmatic, which should make me a go-with-the-flow extrovert. I do VERY well in social environments, and I enjoy them, but it’s WORK for me to spend time with people. When I start feeling drained, I need to go off alone to pray, meditate, and be still.
THEORY SUMMARY:
A person should not be defined as being an extrovert or an introvert based on social situations, but rather, should be based on how they regain their energy.
Extroverts
are recharged through interaction with people (believers, if said person is a believer), while
introverts
are recharged through quiet time alone.
What do you think?
Good job of sharing the side of being an introvert. I would also add, and this doesn’t necessarily apply to every introvert, that some of it stems from insecurity and not caring enough about other people. They’re too interested in their own thoughts and desires and have a hard time focusing on others.
I hear ya.
I work in a factory where you have to appear to be busy all the time. It’s not enough to get the job done, we are to move move move… Well, I need to sit, and this move (idleness), has gotten me no end of grief. Some extroverts get angry — as though they own the company — to see a person stop the motion thing. But, there is a difference between motion and action.
Quiet time is quite special.
And here I thought I was mentally retarded. Thanks for lighting up my life.
My recommendation is a good pair of headphones (especially noise cancelling ones). It’s hard for me to read in public without music blocking out the talking. (Of course, some people hate reading or studying with music playing, so if you fall into that category this won’t help at all.)
I’m also an introvert, and around certain people, I’m shy. But around other people, I’m not. I do enjoy my quiet time alone, but I also like to be with my friends and socialize. I too get tired of the stereotypes of quiet people, how we never have any fun, etc. We have a non-fiction book in our library called “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”, and I want to read it sometime. It’s by Susan Cain.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Amy. I can see myself in much of what you’ve written here.
I also love quiet coffee shops, but I do take my iPod along just in case it’s needed.
One introvert to another, you’d probably like to read “Quiet” by S. Cain, “Introvert Power” by L. Helgoe, and/or “Introvert Advantage” by M. Larsen.
One thing I do not like is when an introvert has a blank stare and the extrovert thinks the introvert isn’t empathizing or emoting at the moment.
I am a mix of introvert and extrovert. For me, where I direct myself is where the energy is. Many psychologists tend to look at this the other way around, thinking where I find energy is where I want to be. For them this may be the case. However, truly, where I direct myself to be is where I will be energy.
@Lean_to_the_Write - If an introvert is perceiving rather than judging and also thinking rather than feeling, this may occur often that the introvert seems to stare blankly (INTP type for example). Their minds get busy with all of the various combinations of possibilities and internally, they may be very very busy.
FYI
ALL: Many website have surveys that can help a person to narrow done types. This site has very helpful: http://www.16personalities.com/ descriptions of types. There are many others. These may be found by searches such as: JUNG MYER BRIGGS PERSONALITY TYPES
@naphtali_deer @AngelAsh_86 @whataboutbahb
@monobeam @musterion99 @FoxFire12
@Shadowrunner81 LucyLThinks@twitter
What a wonderful and thought provoking post! My daughter and I are both introverted people and this seems to describe us both……….thank you for putting words too it.
An eloquently written blog post in defense of us introverts.
very good post! i am also an introvert-covet my alone–can only think when its quiet. earplugs have become my friend
–btw–hi!–karen
Nicely said. I’m introverted, too. I like that I am. I do dislike it sometimes when I find myself lost for words in group discussions, but that just takes practice. I believe I’ll get better at group discussions at one point, and it bothers me less as I learn more about myself. Regardless, it’s great that introverts can turn solitary confinement in a room to something that is enriching and fun.
I am outgoing and friendly but I shy away from endless talk. A sincere discussion attracts my attention, but I’m not always wanted in it….that’s OK (even though I sometimes feel I could contribute much). I am an introvert by necessity most of the time. I talk to God and to myself (aloud, quite often) but silence or the sounds of nature are soothing and conducive to solving problems. So, am I an extrovert or an introvert?
@eshunt – Lawlz just waiting for someone to mention Jung & the MBTI, or Socionics or Keirsey. The stares of the INTXs is something you don’t want to get caught in.
@eshunt – I type as IxTJ. It has been good to learn about my blind spots.
When I go to the Mission Street area of San Francisco, I am a stranger in a strange land, for the number one language spoken is Spanish. I mean this in no ill way, for I am out of my element there, and the few places where I go usually have Hispanic families, and most have children and are accompanied by persons with other children. They are home in The Mission, and loudness appears to cross cultures of Hispanics who gather. Children are usually not disciplined, and when they are playing chase and slam in to me, then it is not fun, and we are apt to shudder if a child comes in to our home and acts this way, and in my home; it would happen once, for never would they be allowed to come back. What I must tell myself is to be patient and to endeavor to not show arrogance, for poverty has driven many of these families here. Poverty allows the purchase of cheap sugary drinks and candy plus cookies, so the sugar makes children increasingly loud and they feel as if they need to run, for sugar highs result in tension.// I could never ignore the affect of my children’s behavior on others, but as long as we have one community serving up even the language of home, the homes of South America, primarily Mexico in the Mission, then it does feel difficult if we cannot bear the noise and actions.// Were there a respected way toward citizenship, then there should also be information which would help the immigrating families to live among us and to share community.// We need to share our better selves and speak gently to the parents. Show the parent where you were hurt and how if you cannot speak, for our ways are not their ways, and my confession is that in your situation, I would get up and leave as well. Children and parents in communities where too many people must aggragate to live and to work are loud, and one gets used to screaming to be heard. Sometimes we do not have the patience or the time to start a conversation, but family comes above all things in Hispanic communities, and small children rule.
I would very much like to see Hispanic parents getting the message sugar is bad for children, but I have seen kids kick mothers to purchase their favorite treats. Citizenship and schools could even be places to help newcomers understand we weird white and black people, and sometimes we just need to offer a sign to a mother that she must be so tired, so a two way street develops here, and it is good to help our neighbors, for we may find a new family as well from a land far away. It is rarely easy to leave home. Blessings, Barb Hz