Month: May 2013

  • dreamer

    For several nights now, we’ve had wind and storms.  

    …they call it wuthering, that sound…

    Something in my heart longs to run out in the rain and call a name
    I’m not sure of the name, but I long to call it.  My heart knows, but not my mouth.
    …let me not, to the marriage of true minds, admit impediments…
    I’ve dreamt of a man.  I don’t know him.  But he loved me.
    And we were good together.  It was very simple.  Life can be simple, and together.
    …somewhere, beyond the sea…somewhere…waiting for me…
    I also dreamt of a man,
    A man in a blue box.  I was his rose.  But the name I want to call is not the Doctor. 
    …Of cloudless climes and starry skies, and all that’s best of dark and bright meets in her aspect and her eyes…
    He’s in my heart now.  I want to be good for him.  I want all of purity and holiness.  I want his way to be easy.  I want his steps to be pleasant.  
    …they may say I’m a dreamer.  But I’m not the only one…

    So if you are out there, darling, somewhere in the stars, or across town
    Know that I’m waiting, and not all is gloomy.  I sincerely want to meet you.  And maybe we can smile a lot.  Be hopeful.  Jesus has got this :)  
    Set me as a seal upon your heart; as a seal on your arm.
    For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as unyielding as the grave. – Song of Songs 8:6

  • The first ears to hear

    I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the effect social media has on us.  One of the most interesting ways it has affected my thinking is the concept of real, valid, pertinent, and concrete information.  

    We’ve all heard the phrase “It’s now Facebook official!” We laugh about this, but think about it for a second.  Consider the way that information traveled before the advent of social media…Xanga (to a lesser extent), Myspace, and now Facebook and Twitter.  I remember dating back then, or deciding where to go for summer camp, or taking pictures of vacation.  Sure, sharing information was much more limited.  I had to show people pictures in a book, or make a phone call to share news.  People didn’t know who I was dating unless they saw me out somewhere and asked, or heard from someone else. 
    Now it’s all instantaneous information.  I break up with my boyfriend and as soon as brave enough to change my “relationship status”, all 856 of my friends know, without me saying a blessed word about it.  It does seem very cold to me, that people know about babies and divorces and people moving while losing the human element of a phone call.  While instant information is a very valuable tool, I feel that it’s hurt us a lot in these ways.  Do you really *know* your family?  I find out what my cousins, nieces, and nephews believe by seeing them post on Facebook.  Sometimes I’m shocked at what I read, yet I’m too wimpy to confront people in “real life”.
    Who do we tell, first?  If I ever (haha!) were to get engaged, I don’t think I’d want to just plaster pictures all over Facebook of my ring until I’d called my mom, my grandma, dad, brother and sister-in law, aunt/uncle, etc.  I feel that they deserve the respect of being the first to know.  Such precious information is a gift to those who hear it.  The same thing with miscarriage and death.  It is most appropriate to share deep grief with our families, first. 
    I found myself very convicted when thinking about this.  How often do I blather my pains, hurts, hopes, snappy jokey-jokes, quips, emo status updates, and observations all over the internet… without first sharing them with the One who cherishes my heart the most?  I’ve been stabbed through the heart before while writing on Twitter.  I am so quick to share with the world what should be hidden, and so quick to hide from God what He most wants to heal.  I have been in such dire emotional pain, specifically regarding relationships with people…and turned my face from the Lord who cares for me and will give me comfort and healing.  Why do I turn to a silent “audience” for help?  My help comes from the Lord.
    Guard your heart.  Share with your friends, yes, but don’t short-change the human experience.  (I’m preaching to myself, here).  Give God what is due God.  Remember that God loves his children, and go to Him first with the thoughts of your heart.  I think it will help me to grow spiritually if I can do this, and also guard me from further hurt.  

  • Anger

    “Why, Abby? You must tell me what it is. I’ve always been dissatisfied, I know that. But lately I find that I reek of discontentment. It fills my throat, and it floods my brain. And sometimes I fear there is no longer a dream, but only the discontentment. ” – John Adams, 1776




    I’ve been angry for about 4 days.

    I don’t know precisely why.  I don’t known what set me off.  It’s not a temporary anger like when someone cuts you off in traffic, or uses “less” instead of “fewer” in the express grocery lane.  It’s like a sine wave, always there just under the surface.  And it plunges me in every so often.

    I know one of the foci.  The man who ended our relationship and would rather play video games than love me.  I bet any girl, or any person really, would be angry at that.  It is an angry thing to bury your dreams and hopes for a relationship.  One that you hoped would lead to marriage.  One that you gave up and sacrificed for.  To see your vulnerability end in burns and scars.  To see the sweetness turn to fiberglass and cut you.  To end love in pain.  It leads to anger.  

    There are other things of which I dare not speak.  
    They’ve probably got me over a barrel, because I can’t speak.  This is the internet.  You can’t be who you are because someone might read what you write and then know who you are and what you think, and that’s not okay.  So the internet is not a good place to explore your feelings when they are negative.  Only positive feelings allowed on the internet.  Unless it’s negativity about killing puppies, or chemically altered food, or toward Republicans.  Those are okay rant topics.

    But we live in the land of smiles, otherwise.

    I feel like anger chemically alters one’s brain.
    I feel like it sucks away energy and replaces it with something akin to caffeine in the bloodstream.  It produces massive amounts of fake energy (((rage))) which seems to kill the body and mind instead of building them up.  Anger is like radiation; it destroys the vessel in which it’s contained.  

    I don’t want to be destroyed.
    I don’t want to destroy others, either.  

    What I really want is for people to behave.  I want the world to be set right.  I want for things to be *fair*. 
    I want all wrongs to be righted.
    I want for every hurt to be healed.
    I want for every weaker person run over by a bully to be vindicated. 
    I want correctness.  I want peace.

    Jesus died to set everything in order.  Everything.  Even my hurts.  Even my tears.

    Even the *most* hurtful thing that I can’t talk about…

    every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain made low


    It’s not only pardon for sin.  It’s everything made right.  It will all be taken care of.  Do I have faith?  Can I wait enough?  

    Sometimes it’s hardest to believe that Jesus cares about the miniscule things.  I have such a low view of myself that the things that matter most to me …things in my personal life, things that are in my sights when I wake in the morning, feet from my bed…the mess around my room, the way my car drives, the guilt I feel in my memories, the times I’ve been hurt, the rude things I’ve said to people, the things I’ve selfishly taken, the bad thoughts I have toward others, the way the traffic lights fall that is unjust…

    Jesus cares about all of these.  Do I have faith?  Can I wait enough?

    I must.  I can and I must.

    I don’t know of another cure of anger.  I know how to *deal* with it.  I have punched plenty a pillow in my day.  I’ve screamed into pillows, too.  I’ve cursed silently (and out loud, sadly).  I’ve taken it out on people, which I don’t recommend.  I’ve taken it out on myself, which is also not recommended.  And I’ve despaired and let it turn to depression.  


    Maybe I could give it to Jesus?  Surely he cares.  Surely he cures.  
    I’ll let you know how it goes.  I don’t have the answers.  I just know who I need.  




  • Zoo, Showchoir, Church, and Hit-men

    Yesterday was a social day for me…since I’m such a loner most days, it was awesome :)

    The lovely Mrs. @Jenny_Wren went to the zoo with me and we had such a time!
    We fed these birds and they didn’t bite me.  It was nice.  
    Then I went to choreograph and judge show choir auditions at one of my favorite high schools.  Last year I picked “King of New York” from Newsies, and this year I picked “Brown Derby Jump”.  So much fun.  If I could just dance every day I’d be fine with that.
    After all the auditions, I came home for about 30 minutes then went to church choir rehearsal.  It looks like it will be the last one for the summer.  *Tear*  
    Then my friend Dave took me to dinner, and I inappropriately stuffed my face, which is sad because I’m supposed to be on a diet.  (Aren’t I always, though?  Sigh).  We were in Southlake and walked around the town square after to walk off some of the food, and came upon cops, flashing lights and news cameras!  There was a shooting some time before right outside Victoria’s Secret, and apparently it was a hit-man type job.  Crazy.  We watched the news guys for a while and then went home.  
    You know you are an introvert when you are utterly exhausted by social interaction.  My voice is even tired from talking all day.  But I wouldn’t change who I am.  I’m so glad I get to have friends and still be me, and also that I have a job that lets me perform, sing, dance, etc.  My life *is* quite lovely, for all my consternation  

  • Leeward Heart

    It takes different people to add perspective, 
    To step out from under our own umbrellas of thought,
    And constant blathering of ideas, reinforced in time
    To see the world from a perpendicular bent
    And uncallous our hearts to love, removing friction
    To remember that not all men are as sarcastic as we are
    That people come in a variety of tins and boxes
    Green comes in emerald as well as envy and jade.
    Friends can be the sweet sunny spot by a window
    Drowsy stretched with kitten paws and tails 
    That love doesn’t always taste like bitter hard bread
    Sometimes the future is hopeful, not ugly
    Rather than a cold, windy and lonely street
    It’s a door bursting with stardust and warmth
    And songs our hearts yearn to sing, just off our tongues 
    And everything we were made to know will be learnt 
    And only then we’ll realize it was all grace. 

  • Tornadoes

    The conditions in North Texas the the same as Oklahoma yesterday.  We are expecting tornadoes today by mid-afternoon.  The feeling of anxiety here is uncanny.  

    I’m sitting put right here in my house with my dog and kitties ready to go under the stairs in the closet.  Please pray for us.  Hopefully nothing will come of this, but it’s a terribly nervous feeling waiting for it, listening to the wind.  
    I got Taco Cabana.  If I’m going to die in a tornado, by Jove, I’ll die with Tex-Mex in my belly! 
    UPDATE:
    It was actually a pretty boring and uneventful day, here.  Although there were a ton of storms, we were in a “pocket” for a good long while with nothing but eerie, yellow looking sky and some rain.  But I know there is no other way we could have reacted due to the awful tornado just 2 1/2 hours North of us yesterday.  So, they called off after school activities, and my 1776 rehearsal tonight.  So I got to relax a bit.  I had awful anxiety all day.  Ugh.
    Tomorrow should be much more fun!

  • So much to do today:

    Work out at least 30 minutes
    Practice tap for Ohio tour
    Learn a ridiculously hard Mozart song I’m singing in the morning *gulp*
    Normal boring stuff: laundry, dishes
    Oh, and paint my toenails.
    What do I want to do?  Play video games.  Such is life.  

  • If one day we will Be

    Will you see?
    Will you see me?  
    just a he and she
    on the other side of free
    Someday we will Be
    But then, will you agree?
    Will you see…me? 

  • Answers to “Ask Me Questions”!

    I’ve realized that I pronounce people’s usernames in my head differently than they probably actually are supposed to be…sorry if I offend you!

    Sorry about the shirt, too!  Whoa!
    @TheTheologiansCafe  @Loner-writer  @CuddlyKat



  • I love my beautiful momma!!!

    So blessed.  Happy Mothers’ Day, momma!