I’m making a journey this summer, here in just a few weeks.  I haven’t talked about it much.  I contemplate it every day.  On the surface, it might appear just fun.  Or frivolous.  Or silly.  Or a really good idea.  I’ve had all these thoughts, and more.  To me, this journey is deeply personal, and I hope much good comes of it.

As you might know, I’m in a long distance relationship.  The distance between us is about 250 miles, and takes 4 1/2 hours to travel.  We see each other every 2 weeks on average, for a few weekend days.  It’s not much.  We talk on facetime every night and pray together.  We’ve been dating about 7 months, and met online.  One thing about long distances is that they expose things in you that physical touch can cover.  Like clinginess.  Or resolving arguments with cuddling.  Or being playful.  It’s like holding up a big magnifying glass to things I use to avoid resolution of my being upset. 

And I get very upset sometimes.  I have major issues, guys.  I’m not just saying that…I really do.  Maybe everyone does, but I do for sure.  And I’m me…so I only know the intimate workings of my disgusting heart.  Being so far apart from Chad has exposed some of that, as well as some differences in personality and how to handle things.  I see growth.  Small, almost imperceptible at times, but growth nonetheless.  And it hurts.  Good growth always does.

So here in just a few weeks, when I’m finished with school, church, and other obligations…I’m packing my car full of clothes and books and my laptop and tooling down to Houston.  I’ll be living in a barn.  Yes, you heard that right…a barn.  But it’s a really nice barn   It’s a show barn with a two bedroom apartment built over it…nicknamed after Patrick Swayze because he stayed there often.  I won’t have much income unless I can find a few students (which Chad says he already has found), and I’ll be helping Chad with a few household things (laundry, cooking, cleaning).  I’ll be training some more to be a chiropractic assistant so I can help him.  I’ll have internet, and books, working out, writing, and a few crafts if I can scrape money together.  And prayer…lots of prayer.  I need to work out the kinks in myself.  I’m too stuck to this comfort zone. 

Perhaps it’s a leap of faith.  I want to be with him, to see where our relationship will take us.  I know he’s not magic and doesn’t have all the answers.  But he’s kind, good, and loves God.  And I need to step away from my comforts that are holding me back. 

Wish me luck

There is a pretty disturbing trend in churches nowadays.  Huge ones, too…huge and successful, as defined by many.  This trend is to downplay sin, eliminating words like hell, condemnation, judgement, repentance, guilt, etc.  This is quite dangerous. 

Why?  Because if our sin isn’t important, there is no need for a savior. 

Let me put it another way:  If we aren’t sinners, and just make bad choices, then Jesus did not need to die for our sins.  If God sent His Son to die for our sin when he didn’t really need to…then God is a cruel jerk who killed His Son for no reason.  Either sin is important enough for Jesus to die, or it’s not important at all. 

I’m all for living a good life, having smooth marriages, good kids, a nice job and house and car…and good times.  But lets be honest, if that’s what church is teaching, then leave Jesus out of it completely.  He is too precious to be reduced to a provider of a good life. 

Sin Kills.  Jesus saves.  Jesus died a literal death, and saved us from a literal hell.  If there is a hell, don’t you want to hear about it?  And avoid going there?  So what are these pastors doing, who downplay sin?  What are they gaining from this (probably money and power, but that’s a topic for another day)? 

If you are a Christian, think with me for a minute.   When was the last time your pastor taught from the Bible about sin and repentance, and how Jesus won our forgiveness on the cross?  Do you hear that week after week, or do you hear things about having a good life, getting more money, being never sick or lonely, and having a good marriage or sex life?  If you aren’t hearing Christ preached…Him crucified and resurrected, what is the point?  Life change is not repentance.  Being forgiven of your sins is not the same as living a good life. 

“If your sin is small then your Savior will be small also. But if your sin is great, then your Savior must be great.”  – Charles Spurgeon

I’m feeling loved today, and loving.  I want to hold up a sign on the street that says “free hugs”.  Do you think that would be counter-productive? 

I know there are many times I’ve wanted a hug from anyone, or a smile, or a listening ear.  But could I trust a stranger?  I dunno. 

There are so many Xangans I want to hug.  There are so many who don’t want to hug me, but a lot more who do, I bet.  I wish I could show people that I still am a loving person even though I don’t buy into the world’s idea of love being “anything goes”, as long as it’s what they think is ok.  I think homosexuality is wrong.  I have gay friends.  They know my views.  I still love that.  Isn’t that a lot more mature than me changing my views in order to not offend them?  I think sex outside of marriage is wrong.  Many of my friends/family don’t.  I still love them.  I don’t lie to them, though. 

Mature love doesn’t side step the issues.  Mature love always hopes, always protects…never fails.

I will not fail you, my friend, by stuffing Jesus out of the way in my heart.
I will not fail you, my love, by giving in to what I believe is wrong.
I will not fail you, my heart, by weakening my resolve to stand up for truth.

I love you, Xanga.  I will love you like crazy, I will compliment you, invite you, I will tell you what you mean to me.  And I will tell you the truth.

That is love.
God is love.

((((((Free hugs))))))

Parted from my heart
hope demanded candor.
It stings,
but just for a squalid moment.

then all is clean
White even, but blinding
the scent is between this morning’s tea and
new shoes

The world can close around your wound
Shifting between blame and acceptance
Calm and choking
air and promise

Cut me;
I bleed the color you crave
Scarlet or crimson, if you prefer
a red word spoken

an object into the night air
from lips which sting for a moment
propelled clean
to your waiting and hungry heart

While I slip to anorexic dreams
Thinning now into hot sheets
cutting dollar store craft glitter
I’d mistaken for stardust

Please pray for  @xx_iwannawwiiromance_xx and @veronica_leigh .  Their father passed away quite suddenly yesterday, and they are both young girls in their twenties now without a daddy. 

Thank you.

A found a few pics of Chad at a waterfall that looked very familiar…
Snoqualmie Falls in Seattle, Washington.
He was there in 2010, and I visited in 2009.  This was before we met.  So I merged the pictures together.

And there you have it   A wrinkle in time?  Somewhere forever, never lost, found in his arms.
My heart is so yearny today.

I’m sad today.  I feel alone, like no one has taken much of an interest in me (except expecting me to show up to work and angry if I don’t do my part.)  I don’t feel like doing much. 

But Christ is still risen.  God is on the throne.  There is more to life than how I feel.  My feels are a shadow; my heart is changeful.  I am part of a Church that shall go on. 

This is life.  It’s not every moment as it comes…it’s every promise that proceeds from God.  I am His.

Go home, go to your closet, fall on your knees, put your trust alone in Christ and, my friend, if the Lord does not have mercy upon you, then he is not the God we have preached to you, and he has not substantiated his faithful promise: you cannot, you shall not seek in vain. But mark, you must not think that your once seeking is enough; continue in it. If God has given you his Spirit you will continue—you will never leave off praying until you get the answer. Oh! my friend, if God hath given thee this day a longing after his love; if he has caused thee to say, “I will never give it up, I will perish at the foot of the cross if I perish at all;” thou canst no more perish than the angels in Paradise. Be of good cheer; use violence again and again, and thou shalt take it by force. – Spurgeon

I awoke with a start today and looked around my room. My first thought was this: “my room looks like a disgusting, rebellious teenager lives here. Seriously. A woman my age should not keep her room like this”. So tonight I cleaned it. Yay!

It’s better now.

My dad used to tell me my room looked like a pigsty, and therefore I must be a pig. I still hear that voice sometimes and it stings. I’m trying to move past that.

I have a hard time letting things go. I sometimes feel as if my heart is a museum for feelings, situations, people…scenes I keep replaying over and over. Even after those relationships are dead. Even after those people are dead. When things are gone. When places are long gone…playing over and over. I must escape. I must clean out this stuff. I need to learn to let go.

I used to have recurring dreams about forgetting about pets…and finding a cage months or years later with a dead animal in it. Even as a child I dreamt this. Dead mice, hamsters, fish, other small things. But I think these dreams are very related to how I sweep these things away. Into cages. They seem safe there, but the decay spreads and traps me. My life must not be full of these things. My heart can’t carry all this. It’s too heavy.

Forgiveness is a big part of this, I know. I really am truly working on it. On my knees, even, with Jesus. It’s amazing how I delude myself to believe I’m not scared of Him sometimes. I prove it by not talking to Him about things I’m avoiding. Must change this.

The kid from yesterday did indeed break his arm. I knew it!
Now I’m not allowed to be alone with the kids in the room; the teacher has to stay in there and babysit. At first I was worried that they’d think it was my fault somehow. But these are really well behaved kids. One just decided to be goofy in socks on a slick floor.

I finished 1 of 3 songs for this choir and started on the next one. “Lean on Me” is not my favorite song at all, but it’s what I’m working on right now.

I sent in my tax payment today. My taxes were 17 times higher than last year. Read that again if you are in disbelief. I was, too. 17 times. I am being punished for making more money, by paying more. I guess I’m “rich” now…lol. I worked harder, did better than ever before, had 4 jobs, and will now have an almost empty bank account when the government receives my gift. Such is the life of a dirty, filthy “rich” American like me! Yippee!

I’m drinking a half price Sonic slushie to celebrate, even if @SirNickDon does rain on my parade and make me feel fat for doing it. Go me.