I helped my beautiful momma out at my alma mater…DBU. She was playing piano for the high school choir. They did us a beautiful favor. We had a few extra minutes and so the choir went down the the building named after my grandparents, and sang “The Lord Bless You and Keep You” in their memory. It was quite lovely and I had a hard time keeping back the tears.
For reference, I found some pictures taken from the dedication of the building in 2004, nine years ago. My grandfather was involved in founding the school, and was a professor there for something like 45 years. My cute grandparents are in heaven now. I sure do miss them.
When feel such intense pain, we must let it out or it will destroy us like radiation.
The problem is, that expressing our pain online in words often comes across at attention grabbing, fishing for sympathy, and the like. (I was told that I was just trying for sympathy the other day and should “get over” my breakup at this point. It was one month ago today). So I guess writing is out.
Those of us who can express in art and dance do well. Wordless things can cry just as much as words. We can weep into musical composition or performance, unless the instrument is a voice (like mine) which tends to not do well when the singer is crying.
Words betray us. Darn those words.
It’s much more ambiguous to express in pictures and sounds. I wish I were gifted in these areas so I wouldn’t look arrogant.
As for me, I’ll just blog about how I find few ways to express my broken heart. And I don’t think it’s wrong to have a broken heart. I don’t think it’s wrong to express that. I trust Jesus no less today than I did a year ago. I don’t think he shuns my broken heart, and he definitely won’t decide that he doesn’t love me any more and can do better. I love him.
I was supposed to be on tour right now. For whatever reason, I’m not. This hurts my heart. My body type? Am I too fat? I think of this a lot.
I was uninvited to a wedding this month.
I was asked to sing in a charity benefit performance tomorrow for the victims of West, TX. For whatever reason, some of them decided they didn’t want me to, so I got uninvited. I will stay home alone.
I am not asking for sympathy. I’m asking for sharing. I’m asking for it to be okay for me to share my pain with fellow humans, who I know share so many pains themselves. I’m opening my heart and asking for grace with all this dark mess. Life hurts, and it hurts for people to chide you for showing your weaknesses. May we all have some compassion.
May we all come to a valley, soon. Let not every road be a rocky one.
God is undeniably doing something in my heart. I can’t get away from Him. It’s terrifying and beautiful. Pain draws our attention to an area that needs healing. God is unrelenting in His love toward me.
I’m thinking about applying for a “real job”. I’ve never had a 40 hour a week structured job. I love this about myself, that I can do gigs, book shows, teach lessons, and choreograph and still have free time.
But I’m sick of the uncertainty. I’ve always envied people who know where they are going. I’m sure the grass is always greener…right? My sis-in-law works at a company that is hiring. It would be a solid job, with benefits. I have no work experience in the business world. I think I just might give it a shot. It couldn’t hurt, right?
Daybook:
Today I’m thankful for: The sunshine!!! Yesterday was so dreary and grey and sad. Today it’s sunny!
Today is awesome so far because: I feel better than yesterday.
I’m looking forward to: Singing at church tonight.
Today’s challenges: My car started making bad noises yesterday and the engine light came on. I need to get it checked I guess.
Person, place, or thing of comfort today: My blanket I’ve been wrapped up in all morning.
Person, place, or thing I can help today: I have a student today. I try to help her have a clearer tone and better breathing.
One helpful word, idea, phrase, or quote to inspire me today: ”Aslan is on the move.” C.S. Lewis, Chronicles of Narnia
I remember the cutting bitter tears of my first broken heart…I was 15.
He kissed me! I loved him! Then he was gone.
This song nursed me through those times. I used to listen to “Love Songs at Night” on radio. I had a dear guy friend who would call in and dedicate songs to me. So precious. We’d go up to the dance studio and I’d dance out all my heartache. They were sweet days.
I have had many heart breaks since then. They seem to pile up, one on top of the other. I feel sorry for myself.
But then I think…my husband! If he’s not with me, surely something in his heart is aching, too. He is missing me as I’m missing him. I’m sure he’s hurting, too.
Let’s find each other, soon? Please save the best for last. <3
I went to visit @Jenny_Wren ‘s church today…but unfortunately she didn’t make it! It was awkward because people asked me who invited me to the church…I had to reply I didn’t know her real name. Umm…they probably think I’m a weirdo with an imaginary friend. So I sat alone and thoroughly enjoyed it. Great church. I might show up more over the summer!
I got to wear my new impulse buy dress. LOVE it. I’m obsessed with this color right now!
I have a video idea stirring around in my head.
Today I’m thankful for: Churches that don’t sell out.
Today is awesome so far because: I wore my new mint dress!
I’m looking forward to: Seeing my family tonight at dinner.
Today’s challenges: Eating, working out, taking a decent nap, getting some reading in.
Person, place, or thing of comfort today: Jesus, Jesus, ever sweet Jesus.
Person, place, or thing I can help today: My family…be a good witness.
One helpful word, idea, phrase, or quote to inspire me today: ”Thou my best thought, by day or by night. Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light”.
I was sifting through dating different guys (kind of what consumes a lot of my thoughts right now).
Then I ran into a guy from college. He was short, fat, Mr. Popular talented guy who was also Mr. Spiritual guy. Really nice, but also was the president of the service organization (clique) that voted to let everyone else in but me for some undisclosed reason. Yep.
Anyway, I dreamt that I was actually married to him but had forgotten. We even had a daughter together, and I’d forgotten. I remember feeling this awful sense of guilt…but also kind of strange being attracted to him and happy that I was married to him all along. I just felt guilty for forgetting them.
So there ya go…weird dream to end a horribly emotional week of things exploding and relationship turmoil. Any wanna-be dream interpreters, go for it. Psychology of dreams is fascinating.
When he finally arrived, she was tired of waiting.
“Edward!” she exclaimed, not trying to hide the indigence in her voice. ”Where have you been? I’ve grown so tired of waiting. I don’t think I can bear the years I’ve spent in sadness.”
His eyes beheld her tears, and he answered with trembling honestly.
“It was very far. I ran the whole way, and I didn’t know what you looked like.
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