A few weeks ago, I was asked to be part of this photo shoot at my high school. (It was a small Christian private school). We are all graduates who are making a living working in the arts. It turned out pretty well!
We are: My high school drama teacher, who is a producer, voice over actress and jazz singer, the brother and sister dancers in NYC, Broadway and otherwise, a professional successful interior designer, professional guitar player, and me.
I think we look like the cast of some TV show, personally. The Mentalist?
Who is that chick on a picnic table?
Pretty cool. It's neat to be doing what I love.
One of these pics will be an ad for the school in the program of a local snazzy performance hall.
I helped my beautiful momma out at my alma mater...DBU. She was playing piano for the high school choir. They did us a beautiful favor. We had a few extra minutes and so the choir went down the the building named after my grandparents, and sang "The Lord Bless You and Keep You" in their memory. It was quite lovely and I had a hard time keeping back the tears.
For reference, I found some pictures taken from the dedication of the building in 2004, nine years ago. My grandfather was involved in founding the school, and was a professor there for something like 45 years. My cute grandparents are in heaven now. I sure do miss them.
When feel such intense pain, we must let it out or it will destroy us like radiation.
The problem is, that expressing our pain online in words often comes across at attention grabbing, fishing for sympathy, and the like. (I was told that I was just trying for sympathy the other day and should "get over" my breakup at this point. It was one month ago today). So I guess writing is out.
Those of us who can express in art and dance do well. Wordless things can cry just as much as words. We can weep into musical composition or performance, unless the instrument is a voice (like mine) which tends to not do well when the singer is crying.
Words betray us. Darn those words.
It's much more ambiguous to express in pictures and sounds. I wish I were gifted in these areas so I wouldn't look arrogant.
As for me, I'll just blog about how I find few ways to express my broken heart. And I don't think it's wrong to have a broken heart. I don't think it's wrong to express that. I trust Jesus no less today than I did a year ago. I don't think he shuns my broken heart, and he definitely won't decide that he doesn't love me any more and can do better. I love him.
I was supposed to be on tour right now. For whatever reason, I'm not. This hurts my heart. My body type? Am I too fat? I think of this a lot.
I was uninvited to a wedding this month.
I was asked to sing in a charity benefit performance tomorrow for the victims of West, TX. For whatever reason, some of them decided they didn't want me to, so I got uninvited. I will stay home alone.
I am not asking for sympathy. I'm asking for sharing. I'm asking for it to be okay for me to share my pain with fellow humans, who I know share so many pains themselves. I'm opening my heart and asking for grace with all this dark mess. Life hurts, and it hurts for people to chide you for showing your weaknesses. May we all have some compassion.
May we all come to a valley, soon. Let not every road be a rocky one.
God is undeniably doing something in my heart. I can't get away from Him. It's terrifying and beautiful. Pain draws our attention to an area that needs healing. God is unrelenting in His love toward me.
I'm thinking about applying for a "real job". I've never had a 40 hour a week structured job. I love this about myself, that I can do gigs, book shows, teach lessons, and choreograph and still have free time.
But I'm sick of the uncertainty. I've always envied people who know where they are going. I'm sure the grass is always greener...right? My sis-in-law works at a company that is hiring. It would be a solid job, with benefits. I have no work experience in the business world. I think I just might give it a shot. It couldn't hurt, right?
Daybook:
Today I'm thankful for: The sunshine!!! Yesterday was so dreary and grey and sad. Today it's sunny!
Today is awesome so far because: I feel better than yesterday.
I'm looking forward to: Singing at church tonight.
Today's challenges: My car started making bad noises yesterday and the engine light came on. I need to get it checked I guess.
Person, place, or thing of comfort today: My blanket I've been wrapped up in all morning.
Person, place, or thing I can help today: I have a student today. I try to help her have a clearer tone and better breathing.
One helpful word, idea, phrase, or quote to inspire me today: "Aslan is on the move." C.S. Lewis, Chronicles of Narnia
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